What Makes a Great Long Term Relationship


Why is it that so many relationships begin with such powerful energy and enthusiasm only to lose the glitter and fall apart when reality dawns and one or both of the individuals simply fall out of love?
There are some basic principles that govern the quality of a relationship in the long run, and there are many different types of relationships. As far as personal and romantic relationships are concerned we each have our reasons for the first attraction and why we attracted to or “fell in love” with another person. Reasoning, Behaviour, and Expectations within the relationship are often determined by pre learned subconscious patterns that become like automatic triggers for many behaviours and reactions to seemingly insignificant issues as the relationship develops and the sense of the ‘unknown’ becomes ‘known’. This can be caused by complacency or a sense of loss regarding the initial reasons we became in love with the other person, as a sense of ‘normalcy’ and day to day reality begins to take over what was previously love driven excitement.
Normal communication patterns are rather misconstrued at the beginning of a relationship and the couple tend to forgive and overlook the ‘little things’ that usually bother them as they are blinded by the presence of this new person and an emotional and physical quest to discover more about them. As time progresses the usual communication patterns come back to predominance, often leading to a communication breakdown as the things overlooked during the ‘honey moon’ period go from being “cute” or “funny” to irritating and annoying. It is then that the realization that they are not be speaking the same language and not listening like they did when the relationship first began.

The Next Step after the Break Up

An important ingredient to establishing a successful relationship is to know thyself, and what is wanted needed and expected, and the reason/s desire for a relationship. Past bad relationships increase the chances of repeating pre-learned patterns and falling back into the same type of relationship again and again until it is identified and resolved regarding what went wrong. Humans are complex beings and many have the tendency to keep attracting, or being attracted to the same type of person, with the same characteristics that caused break ups in the same way over and over again. This often symbolizes an attempt to try and understand what went wrong by subconsciously repeating patterns in an attempt to find resolutions to subconsciously unresolved questions or desires. On the other hand, after a bad break up many people actually attract, or become attracted to, a completely opposite type of person than who they just broke up with. This is an act of rebellion, attempting to understand what went wrong by doing the complete opposite.
These extremes are quite normal responses, because human beings are constantly seeking answers and an understanding of why things went wrong. Without answers people tend to replicate their bad decisions, often without even realizing it is happening. This is normal human behaviour while living a life that is ultimately seeking understanding and truth through learning from mistakes. The story of Goldilocks and the three Bears is a perfect example of this, where ultimately Goldilocks finds what she is looking for is in between what she first tries without liking.

Understanding Our Partner Likes & Dislikes

Knowing and accepting, or adapting, to a partners likes and dislikes is paramount to for the success of any long term relationship, although it is often forgotten or overlooked through lack of communication and failure to observe.


Ask yourself these questions:

How does your partner like to be told that you love them?
How would you like to be told that your partner loves you?
How would you or your partner like to be touched or embraced in a certain ways?
How would you like love to be expressed in words, or would you like to be looked in the eyes in a certain way?

These questions are all important when considering the ‘suitability’ of two people in any relationship. Love is a very delicate affair and a sure way to sabotage a relationship is to be aloof of the partner’s preferences, the intention of each person in the relationship truly establishes ‘who is who’ in the relationship?

During the passing months or years of a relationship individuals come to realize what it is that makes their lover express their love. However some people don’t really understand this on a deeper level and this can be fatal for the relationship. If you think you haven’t yet discovered your partner’s preferences, this is the first thing you should do. Often called the “Love Strategy” you must make a conscious effort to discover it, meet it on a consistent basis and establish what the basic difference in the communication factor is, what are they ‘really’ saying and what are you are ‘really’ saying.

Generally speaking men usually don’t like getting told advice and what to do as it makes them feel silly and dis-empowered. This is good because generally speaking women like to give hints and test men rather than approach them directly with what they are looking for in a relationship. It is somewhere between the hints and tests that the true answers lie. It is through actions that normally go unnoticed that the truth of compatibility may be hiding. Often it is what we ‘don’t do’ that overrides what we ‘do, do’ in the eyes of a partner – male or female.

Relationships are a Place to give and Not to Take

Often people approach a relationship as a place to solve their problems. While a relationship could definitely solve problems, this approach tends to dis-empower both the people involved in it. If you have not been cuddled or pampered as a child, and use a relationship as a place to receive such treatment, you are stripping yourself of your ability to take any initiative because you are constantly looking for your partner to treat you in a certain way.

Instead, what one should do in such a case is, concentrate on giving something into the relationship. Such a contribution of love and affection will automatically elicit the kind of treatment you desire. By listening this will help in every way, and the actions of the person will show how they express their love. Be understanding to the differences between men and woman. “Unity is strength” – both men and women play different roles in any relationship, much like the ‘ying and yang’ philosophy, as together it is a powerful combination once united for the same goals. If focus is on making differences reconcilable rather than focusing on making similarities override differences, this is a positive steps forwards toward a long standing and understanding relationship.

Learn to Communicate Your Challenges

When an emotional attachment is established between two people things always seem to get more serious. This often leads to the ‘fun’ of the relationship transforming into unsatisfied expectations. These will unsatisfied expectations can come into play at various different stages throughout any relationship and need to come to a level of awareness so resolution can be found. Sometimes when this point is reached the initial ‘fire’ that sparked the relationship can be effectively drowned out. Often a man’s first reaction when this point is reached is to change their perception of the woman and fail to see her as the attractive person that sparked their desire when they first met. If this stage is reached, complacency shadows the relationship and what was once intense attraction resolves into satisfaction and then boredom.

Unrealistic expectations can easily distort balanced and accurate perceptions because the power of the moment is always more real than the possibility of the future. Resistance is normally one of the first of challenges. It occurs when we take exception to something our partner said or did, which we did not like. Maybe it was a joke which we did not find very tasteful, or a statement that offended us or basically anything which we wished had not happened. Of course resistance is bound to happen in a relationship between two human beings, but the secret is to talk it over and sort it out before it becomes a bigger problem down the track. No problem was ever solved without talking it over properly and this especially goes for any relationship.

Resistance, if not handled properly, can lead to resentment. It can cause irritation which can grow into anger thus forming a communication barrier. If this leads to avoiding your partner then the intimacy that you once both enjoyed fades from conscious awareness. Rejection has a significantly destructive impact within any relationship.

If resistance is not eased, or if the matter is not discussed a rejection phase may result. This is the beginning of a physical separation. Coupled with emotional separation, in this phase everything about a partner becomes annoying, irritating, and frustrating. Anger sets in, perceptions change, and the snowball continues rolling.

Repression is a dangerous phase of the demise in any relationship. In this phase communication basically stops altogether as an emotional numbness enshrouds the repressed individual. Slowly a couple may become room-mates with their partner, complacent and not concerned about what the other is doing or feeling. Men generally don’t understand this phase and try to prove their manhood, while a woman may not understand why a man doesn’t seem to know let alone acknowledge that she requires emotional fulfilment.
So, how can this potential trap be avoided? It is simple: Talk. Talking about problems, concerns and likes and dislikes is the only way to ensure smooth sailing. Adequate and meaningful communication and an understanding of the opposite gender are significant components of a successful relationship,

The Argument and the Threats

Any long term relationship advice would not be complete without a look into the argument scenario. A lot of couples have the habit of saying things like, “You do that, and I am leaving you.”

This can be disastrous because, although most of the time such a statement is not supposed to be taken very seriously, but what if one day, your spouse said, “Go ahead and leave. I will do things my way.”

If such a case arises, one’s ego may often force him or her to follow up on their threat (of leaving), and that is the end of the relationship. See the point is that no matter what situation arises, there is no justification for threatening your relationship if you want it to last a lifetime, or for the sake of putting your point across. Instead perhaps look inwards and see the reason you are really doing this. Maybe there is guilt, which gives one’s self the urge to blame or put someone down. Every couple will always have their disagreements, it is how we take them that is worthy of our full attention. Also important for any argument is asking what are our driving forces and is there is an outcome we are seeking and if so, then what is it? At the end of the day we all make a decision to be in a relationship with the other person because there was something there at the start. When serious confrontation arises we should always take a step back and think about the moment and what has changed and why?

Recommended Relationship Audio Programs

If you want to improve your communication, understanding and confidence to attract new relationships, the Creating Better Relationships CD/MP3 is a great place to start.

These programs will all help, but ultimately it is up to you to make it work.

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